I was scorekeeping youth hockey games all morning — you won’t believe the fights these children get into on the ice at that age, it’s brutal stuff — so I apologize for the lateness of this edition of the Weekend Watchlist. Don’t misinterpret my tardiness as neglect; I still love this part of the week more than anything else.
Our journey on the Weekend Watchlist has taken us many places. We’ve gone inside the home of Jason and Kylie Kelce as they prepare to host a gobble of people who were clamoring for every single NFL game. As always, Jason believed the answer was NFL Sunday Ticket. He was right, in a way, but he almost destroyed his family in the process by faking an asteroid attack from outer space in order to elevate himself to the presidency. (How the exact technology actually worked, nobody knows.) When he was found out, he was sentenced to federal prison but was first allowed documentary film cameras to follow his every move in the month before he went behind bars. It was at this point that something incredibly decisive occurred: Jason was dreaming.
None of it was real. In fact, none of it has ever been real. Even his psychedelic experience last week was fake.
I know. It’s shocking.
All of it has been a charade, something I’ve tried to keep hidden from the public for as long as possible. It’s about time that I admit my wrongdoing, bring the bad into the light so that I can be forgiven by all those I love and respect.
Several months ago, I began corresponding with an individual who claimed to represent an international technology consultancy. This person expressed considerable interest in my work, particularly the technological infrastructure required to watch four football games simultaneously. I thought it was a perfectly innocent professional relationship. After all, who among us hasn’t wanted to discuss the capabilities of an HDMI splitter or YouTube TV’s multiview feature with a complete stranger?
Unfortunately, I now understand that the relationship might not have been entirely innocent.
Over several weeks, I shared sensitive information about my viewing habits, including preliminary television schedules and the specifications of the computer chips used to produce this publication. I have since been informed that some of these communications may have reached individuals associated with Chinese intelligence.
I want to make something abundantly clear: At no point did I knowingly participate in an international espionage operation. I believed I was helping somebody with a genuine interest in American football. My attorneys have subsequently advised me that this explanation is unlikely to satisfy the federal government.
I apologize to my family, my readers and everybody who placed their trust in me. The thought that a foreign intelligence service might possess advance knowledge of which Big 12 games I intend to place on my tertiary screen is deeply troubling. I am cooperating with the appropriate authorities, although they have thus far expressed very little interest in the intricacies of the Saturday afternoon television window.
There is no excuse for what happened. I accept full responsibility for my actions, even if I remain somewhat uncertain about what those actions actually were.
What I do know is that there are 19 college football games and 13 NFL games on the schedule this weekend, along with an international soccer match. I cannot allow this unfortunate chapter of my life to prevent me from fulfilling my obligations to the American people.
Besides, the government already has my schedule.
You might as well have it, too.
All times Central.
Friday Night
Primary Screen: Illinois at No. 4 UCLA — 8 p.m. — FOX
Secondary Screen: Florida State at Pittsburgh — 6 p.m. — ESPN
Tertiary Screen: No. 14 Houston at Colorado — 9:15 p.m. — ESPN
Saturday Morning
Primary Screen: No. 13 Wake Forest at SMU — 11 a.m. — ESPN
Secondary Screen: Duke at No. 7 Miami — 11 a.m. — ABC
Tertiary Screen: Northwestern at No. 20 Ohio State — 11 a.m. — FOX
Saturday Mid-Afternoon
Primary Screen: No. 18 USC at No. 9 Indiana — 2:30 p.m. — CBS
Secondary Screen: No. 8 Tennessee at Texas A&M — 2 p.m. — ESPN
Tertiary Screen: No. 22 Missouri at No. 1 Georgia — 2:30 p.m. — ABC
Quaternary Screen: Baylor at No. 10 BYU — 2:30 p.m. — FOX
Soccer Option: Haiti vs. United States — 3:30 p.m. — TBS/truTV
Also Worth Watching: Michigan at No. 16 Oregon — 2:30 p.m. — FS1; No. 19 Ole Miss at Oklahoma — 3:15 p.m. — SEC Network
Saturday Late Afternoon
Primary Screen: Oregon State at No. 24 Boise State — 5 p.m. — USA Network
Secondary Screen: Florida at No. 11 Kentucky — 5:15 p.m. — ESPN
Saturday Evening
Primary Screen: No. 2 Utah at No. 23 Arizona — 6:30 p.m. — FOX
Secondary Screen: No. 6 Texas at No. 21 LSU — 6:30 p.m. — ABC
Saturday Night
Primary Screen: No. 12 Texas Tech at No. 25 Oklahoma State — 8:30 p.m. — ESPN
Secondary Screen: North Texas at UTSA — 8 p.m. — ESPNU
Saturday Late Night
Primary Screen: North Dakota State at Hawai’i — 10 p.m. — CW
Sunday Early Morning
Primary Screen: New England Patriots vs. Detroit Lions — 8:30 a.m. — FOX
Sunday Afternoon
Primary Screen: Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers — 12 p.m. — FOX
Secondary Screen: Kansas City Chiefs at Atlanta Falcons — 12 p.m. — CBS
Tertiary Screen: Houston Texans at Cleveland Browns — 12 p.m. — FOX
Quaternary Screen: Buffalo Bills at New York Jets — 12 p.m. — CBS
Also Worth Watching: Jacksonville Jaguars at Tennessee Titans — 12 p.m. — FOX; Miami Dolphins at Indianapolis Colts — 12 p.m. — CBS; Carolina Panthers at New Orleans Saints — 12 p.m. — FOX
Sunday Mid-Afternoon
Primary Screen: San Francisco 49ers at Dallas Cowboys — 3:25 p.m. — FOX
Secondary Screen: Seattle Seahawks at Las Vegas Raiders — 3:05 p.m. — CBS
Tertiary Screen: Los Angeles Rams at Arizona Cardinals — 3:05 p.m. — CBS
Sunday Night
Primary Screen: Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals — 7:20 p.m. — NBC
Monday Night
Primary Screen: Los Angeles Chargers at Baltimore Ravens — 7:15 p.m. — ESPN