Welcome back to the Weekend Watchlist, where the Kelce family’s imaginary NFL Sunday Ticket watch party has now survived overcrowding, a television shortage and, as of last week, the imminent destruction of Earth.
When we last left Jason and Kylie, an asteroid was hurtling directly toward their home. Kylie had reasonably concluded that this was a problem NFL Sunday Ticket could not solve. Jason was less convinced. After briefly suggesting they purchase a subscription for the asteroid itself, he looked toward the garage with the unmistakable expression of a man who had just formulated an idea that would either save humanity or result in a very interesting conversation with their insurance company.
Let’s see what he came up with.
EXT. KELCE RESIDENCE — DAY
The asteroid is closer now.
Much closer.
The entire neighborhood has evacuated. Sirens blare in the distance. News helicopters circle overhead. A television reporter stands several blocks away wearing a helmet for reasons that probably aren’t going to matter.
Kylie stands in the driveway.
KYLIE: Jason, we need to leave.
No response.
KYLIE: Jason!
The garage door begins to rise.
Slowly.
Dramatically.
Jason emerges wearing a football helmet and carrying what appears to be a homemade rocket launcher constructed from PVC pipe, duct tape and several pieces of equipment that definitely used to belong to one of their new televisions.
Kylie stares at him.
KYLIE: What is that?
JASON: I’ve been thinking.
KYLIE: That’s what I’m afraid of.
Jason points toward the asteroid.
JASON: We don’t need to destroy it.
Kylie looks at the enormous flaming rock that is now close enough to have its own visible topography.
KYLIE: I’m pretty sure we do.
JASON: No. We just need to change where it’s going.
KYLIE: And you’re going to do that with PVC pipe?
Jason looks offended.
JASON: There’s duct tape.
A beat.
KYLIE: Of course there is.
Jason walks into the yard and places the contraption on his shoulder. He takes aim.
KYLIE: Jason, what exactly are you shooting at it?
Jason hesitates.
That hesitation tells Kylie everything she needs to know.
KYLIE: Jason.
JASON: A satellite dish.
Silence.
KYLIE: A what?
JASON: A Sunday Ticket satellite dish.
Kylie closes her eyes.
JASON: Think about it. We put Sunday Ticket on the asteroid, it gets distracted watching football, misses the house and everybody wins.
KYLIE: Asteroids don’t watch football.
Jason lowers the launcher.
JASON: You don’t know that.
The asteroid roars overhead.
Jason raises the launcher again.
JASON: Besides, Jaguars-Chiefs is on.
Kylie considers this.
For the first time in several weeks, Jason may have made a reasonable point.
KYLIE: Fine. Do it.
Jason fires.
The satellite dish rockets into the sky.
Jason and Kylie watch.
A few seconds pass.
Nothing happens.
Then, impossibly, the asteroid begins to turn.
It misses the Kelce residence by several hundred feet and continues harmlessly into the distance.
Jason slowly removes his helmet.
Kylie is speechless.
Jason smiles.
JASON: Sunday Ticket.
Kylie looks at him.
Then at the asteroid.
Then back at him.
CUT TO BLACK.
Anyway, here’s what you should watch this weekend.
