Welcome back to the Weekend Watchlist, where the Kelce family’s imaginary NFL Sunday Ticket watch party has now survived overcrowding, a television shortage, the imminent destruction of Earth and, somehow, the beginning of a new presidential administration.
When we last left Jason and Kylie, Jason had successfully redirected an asteroid hurtling toward their home by launching an NFL Sunday Ticket satellite dish into space. Against every known law of physics, the asteroid became distracted by football and changed course, saving the Kelce residence, the surrounding neighborhood and quite possibly the entire planet.
Unfortunately, the asteroid was only the beginning of their problems. In the days following Jason’s heroic intervention, the (fictional) president of the United States made the rather controversial announcement that it would have been a good thing if the Weekend Watchlist had been destroyed. The American people, having witnessed one man risk everything to preserve their right to watch several football games simultaneously, were not particularly pleased.
A special election was immediately called. Nobody was entirely sure how this was constitutionally possible, but the country had just survived an asteroid being redirected by a satellite dish, so the usual rules were apparently no longer applicable.
And there was only one man the American people wanted to lead them.
Let’s see what happened.
EXT. KELCE RESIDENCE — MORNING
The neighborhood is celebrating.
American flags hang from every porch. News vans line the street. A large crowd has gathered outside the Kelce residence, where Jason is sitting on the front steps eating a breakfast sandwich.
Kylie stands in the doorway, looking at her phone.
KYLIE: Jason.
JASON: Yeah?
KYLIE: You’re on the news again.
Jason looks toward the television visible through the front window.
NEWS ANCHOR: Following the president’s controversial remarks that the destruction of the Weekend Watchlist would have been a positive development for the American people, public outrage has reached unprecedented levels.
JASON: Yeah, that was a pretty stupid thing to say.
NEWS ANCHOR: With a special election now underway, early reports suggest the American people are rallying behind an unlikely candidate: former Philadelphia Eagles center and recent asteroid-deflection hero Jason Kelce.
Jason stops chewing.
JASON: Huh.
Kylie slowly lowers her phone.
KYLIE: Jason.
JASON: What?
KYLIE: Are you running for president?
JASON: No.
A beat.
JASON: I don’t think so.
KYLIE: What do you mean, you don’t think so?
Jason pulls out his phone.
JASON: Well, somebody made a website.
He shows Kylie a campaign poster featuring his face superimposed over an American flag.
Underneath are the words:
JASON KELCE 2026: FOUR SCREENS. ONE NATION.
Kylie stares.
KYLIE: Please tell me you didn’t pay for that.
JASON: I didn’t. But it’s a pretty good slogan.
KYLIE: You’re not running for president.
JASON: I mean, I saved the watch party.
KYLIE: You fired a satellite dish at an asteroid.
JASON: And it worked.
Kylie looks toward the garage, where the remains of the rocket launcher are still scattered across the driveway.
She sighs.
KYLIE: Unfortunately, it did.
CUT TO: ELECTION NIGHT — TWO DAYS LATER
The television is broadcasting the results of the special presidential election.
Jason and Kylie sit on the couch.
NEWS ANCHOR: In what political analysts are describing as the most extraordinary election in American history, Jason Kelce has been elected president of the United States.
Jason stares at the television.
Kylie stares at Jason.
JASON: No way.
KYLIE: Jason.
JASON: I’m the president?
KYLIE: Apparently.
Jason considers this for a moment.
JASON: Do you think they have Sunday Ticket at the White House?
Kylie gets up and walks out of the room.
CUT TO: WASHINGTON, D.C. — DAY
Thousands of people have gathered to hear the newly elected president address the nation.
American flags wave in the distance. Television cameras line the streets. Somewhere in the crowd, a man is holding a sign that reads MAKE SATURDAY GREAT AGAIN.
Jason Kelce approaches a large pedestal that has been constructed in front of the crowd.
Kylie stands nearby.
KYLIE: Jason, just read the speech they gave you. Please.
JASON: I’ve got something better.
KYLIE: That’s what I’m afraid of.
Jason climbs onto the pedestal.
It wobbles slightly.
He taps the microphone.
JASON: My fellow Americans.
The crowd erupts.
JASON: A few days ago, we faced the greatest threat this nation has ever known. An asteroid was coming straight for us. Our homes, our families and, perhaps most importantly, our ability to watch football were all in danger.
The crowd grows quiet.
JASON: There were people who said we couldn’t stop it. There were people who said we should evacuate. My wife was one of those people.
Kylie closes her eyes.
JASON: And, to be fair, she made some pretty reasonable arguments.
Laughter ripples through the crowd.
JASON: But we didn’t give up. We didn’t surrender. We took a satellite dish, attached it to a homemade rocket launcher and fired that sucker straight into space!
The crowd roars.
Jason raises both arms.
JASON: AND BY GOD, WE SAVED FOOTBALL!
Thunderous applause.
Kylie looks toward one of the presidential aides.
KYLIE: How long is this supposed to go?
The aide shrugs.
Jason continues.
JASON: Now, I know there’s been a lot of talk about what my presidency is going to look like. People are asking about the economy, foreign policy, national security. And those are important things. Really important things.
He pauses.
JASON: But first, we’ve got a weekend of football to watch.
The crowd erupts again.
JASON: Friday night, we’ve got Duke and Virginia! Saturday, Indiana goes to Michigan, Texas A&M visits Alabama and Ole Miss takes on Texas! We’ve got Manchester City, Arsenal, Chelsea and Tottenham all playing, too!
Jason is practically shouting now.
JASON: Sunday, we’ve got Packers-Lions! Bengals-Ravens! Chiefs-Seahawks! AND REAL MADRID AGAINST BARCELONA!
The crowd is losing its mind.
JASON: AND THEN ON MONDAY NIGHT, THE DALLAS COWBOYS ARE GOING TO PHILADELPHIA TO FACE THE EAGLES!
Jason pauses.
For a moment, the former Eagles center looks genuinely conflicted.
JASON: Which is gonna be weird for me, personally.
The crowd laughs.
Jason leans toward the microphone one final time.
JASON: So my fellow Americans, go home. Turn on your televisions. Get your snacks ready. Spend time with your families. And remember, no matter what challenges we face as a nation, there is absolutely no reason we should ever have to choose between watching college football, the NFL and the Premier League.
He raises his fist.
JASON: GOD BLESS AMERICA! AND GOD BLESS NFL SUNDAY TICKET!
Confetti explodes across the stage.
CUT TO BLACK.
Anyway, here’s what you should watch this weekend.
