Welcome back to the Weekend Watchlist, where the Kelce family has spent the better part of the past decade enjoying the privileges that come with saving the world, occupying the White House and becoming perhaps the most celebrated family in American history.
Unfortunately, it turns out that Jason Kelce might not have saved the world after all.
Ten years have passed since Jason supposedly redirected an asteroid using an NFL Sunday Ticket satellite dish, an act of heroism that propelled him into the presidency. Investigative reporting has since uncovered evidence that the entire incident was manufactured using sophisticated satellite and projection technology, something akin to Mysterio’s illusions in Spider-Man: Far From Home.
Jason was convicted of fraud and sentenced to 11 years in federal prison. He maintains that the public has misunderstood what happened, and with 34 days remaining before he must report to prison, he and Kylie have invited a documentary crew into their home to tell their side of the story.
They’ve promised the filmmakers complete access.
Or something resembling it.
The following is an entirely fictional parody.
YOU CAN WATCH EVERYTHING
34 DAYS UNTIL FEDERAL PRISON
INT. KELCE RESIDENCE — AFTERNOON
The camera remains fixed on Jason Kelce, sitting in his living room. Behind him, four televisions are mounted to the wall.
All four are turned off.
FILMMAKER: Why did you want us to make this documentary?
JASON: I think people have a certain idea of who I am, and I don’t think it’s accurate. I want people to see the real me.
FILMMAKER: What do you think they don’t understand?
JASON: I think there’s a difference between what actually happened and what people think happened.
FILMMAKER: But you were convicted of creating a fake asteroid.
JASON: Right.
FILMMAKER: So what actually happened?
JASON: Well, people saw an asteroid.
FILMMAKER: Because you made them see one.
Jason smiles.
JASON: I think you’re getting caught up in the wrong part of the story.
A long silence.
FILMMAKER: What’s the right part?
JASON: That everybody was OK afterward.
The camera remains on Jason for several seconds longer than seems necessary.
CUT TO: DOCUMENTARY INTERVIEW — KYLIE
FILMMAKER: Do you believe Jason is innocent?
Kylie looks toward the floor.
KYLIE: I believe Jason believes he’s innocent.
FILMMAKER: Is that different?
KYLIE: I don’t know. I think that’s why you’re here.
CUT TO: DOCUMENTARY INTERVIEW — JASON
FILMMAKER: You’ve said that people have misunderstood you. Do you think the media is responsible for that?
JASON: Well, yeah. I think that’s a big part of it. They’re not playing me. They’re playing a character I created.
The filmmaker looks up from his notes.
FILMMAKER: A character you created?
JASON: Right.
FILMMAKER: So you created a character?
Jason pauses.
JASON: No, I mean, they created the character. That’s what I’m saying.
FILMMAKER: But you just said you created it.
JASON: Well, that’s the problem, isn’t it? I say something, and then somebody takes what I said and makes it mean something else.
FILMMAKER: I’m asking what you meant.
JASON: And I’m telling you.
The filmmaker waits.
Jason waits.
Neither speaks.
CUT TO: LIVING ROOM — EVENING
Jason has turned on the televisions. Three display sporting events. The fourth shows a satellite image of Earth.
The filmmaker points toward the fourth screen.
FILMMAKER: Is that the same system you used ten years ago?
JASON: It’s a newer version.
FILMMAKER: Could you show us how it works?
JASON: Sure.
Jason reaches for a remote.
He pauses.
JASON: Actually, I don’t think I should.
FILMMAKER: Why?
JASON: Well, I don’t want you to think I’m trying to create something that isn’t there.
FILMMAKER: Do you think we would?
JASON: I don’t know. Why would I deceive you? I don’t have anything to deceive on.
The filmmaker looks at him.
FILMMAKER: You were convicted of fraud.
JASON: Right.
FILMMAKER: For deceiving people.
JASON: That’s what the jury decided.
FILMMAKER: But you’re telling me you wouldn’t deceive us.
JASON: Of course not. Why would I invite you here if I was going to do that?
The filmmaker looks back toward the television.
FILMMAKER: Then why can’t you show us how it works?
Jason looks confused.
JASON: I am showing you. You’re looking at it right now.
Neither says anything.
From somewhere in the house, Kylie calls for Jason.
He gets up and leaves.
The camera stays on the empty couch.
CUT TO: DOCUMENTARY INTERVIEW — FILMMAKER
FILMMAKER: Jason invited us here because he believes that if people spend enough time watching him, they’ll understand that he’s telling the truth. But I started wondering whether the amount of time we spent with him had anything to do with our ability to understand what happened.
He looks toward somebody off-camera.
FILMMAKER: I also wondered why he had agreed to let us film him in the first place.
A pause.
FILMMAKER: I hadn’t asked him that.
CUT TO BLACK.
